Often as adults, you think that you should be all grown
up now. You might even believe that
somehow you should know what to do, to say, and how to be in any situation you
encounter. In our culture, we are often
led to believe that feelings are wrong or bad and need to be eliminated from
our adult state of being. If that were
the case, you would act very robotic.
Maybe you can look at some of the ways we have acted in the past and
wish you had been robotic, that you had not blown up, walked out, or cried in a
situation that became uncomfortable or too distressful to you.. In reality, most of you have scenes like that
that have embarrassed you and made you wish you had shriveled up and
disappeared into the floor.
This introduction leads to several questions and
observations. Think back over the past
few months and recall a situation that you wish you could erase from your
history, your memory, and the memory of others.
Now, that you have brought that memory to the foreground, what happens
when I say to you, “Are you aware that most adults have situations like that in
their lives?” More often than not, you
probably go toward a defensive state that says, “Maybe so, but Joey, Jerry,
Jean, and Jessica did not ever do what I did.”
It is true that perhaps you have never observed those people doing those
things, but just because you did not observe them does not mean that they did
not happen.
The example, just listed, is an example of comparison
making, or comparison scripts. It is natural in your inner self to compare
yourself to those around you. However, if that is your only reference point
(others) then you need to discover your inner reference point. Think for a moment. What happened in that recalled memory just
before you got angry? Who said what?
Who did what? What did you do right
before you exploded? What did you do
after you exploded? Now, back up one
more time and recall what you were feeling.
When someone said to you, “What makes you believe that is true?” What did you feel? Did you feel self-doubt? Did you think, “Oh no, I am wrong.” Did you want to run or hide or perhaps that
statement inflamed you and you were ready for battle? Regardless of your reactions, thoughts,
feelings in any of the above situations, your reaction will fall somewhere on
the compass of shame.
When we experience shame we do one of four things: Withdraw, Avoid, Attack Other, Attack Self. We often are not aware of what we are doing, but withdrawal leads to depression while avoidance leads to addiction. If we find that we have to blame someone else for how we are then we attack using judgement, anger, intimidation, or criticism. If we attack our self that can be anything from self-abuse to constant self degrading chatter in our head. What is it that you do?
When we experience shame we do one of four things: Withdraw, Avoid, Attack Other, Attack Self. We often are not aware of what we are doing, but withdrawal leads to depression while avoidance leads to addiction. If we find that we have to blame someone else for how we are then we attack using judgement, anger, intimidation, or criticism. If we attack our self that can be anything from self-abuse to constant self degrading chatter in our head. What is it that you do?