FINDING YOUR VOICE – FINDING YOUR SELF
A Beginning Journey of Overcoming the
Darkness of Shame.
Shame has been consistently the
stepchild of psychotherapy because it seems that we have found it shameful and
uncomfortable to talk about shame and shaming events. Often, even well trained psychologists brush
the surface of shame in sessions. An example of that might be a situation where
a client is talking about peeing or pooping their pants in school. If the psychologist is uncomfortable with
that topic, the psychologist may not inquire for further information by asking
questions like, “What was that like for you or what happened when you did
that?” As the stepchild of psychology,
shame has been pushed into the closet and not openly investigated. Recently, our field of psychology we have
moved into a “fix-it” or “educational” modality. It is my opinion that keeps the psychotherapy
office rather sterile. By an educational
modality, I mean often times the therapist will lapse into explaining what
happened for the client when they were shamed or telling the client, what they
can do about it. The art of exploration
from therapist to client can often feel uncomfortable. Therapists must undergo a certain amount of
training “unlearning” social standards of appropriate communication. For example, as a Southern girl I learned it
is impolite to ask questions, any question, and much less questions about sex,
bodily functions, or money.
Theories
of shame have been proposed by Silvan Tomkins, Helen Block Lewis, Gershen
Kaufman and Donald Nathanson since the early 1960’s. Before that, the only real
mention of shame was by developmental psychiatrist, Erik Erickson. He speaks of shame in the second
developmental stage of life: autonomy vs. shame and doubt. Toddlers of eighteen months are learning how
to do things on their own. It is
important that they learn to master their environment, bodily functions, and
acquire a sense of self. The more the
toddler learns to do master his/her environment, the more autonomous the
toddler becomes. Autonomy is equated
with a good sense of self. The more a
toddler fails at achieving and mastering his/her environment, the more the
toddler develops a sense of shame and self-doubt. Self-doubt sets us up to operate our life
from an external locus of control which means
looking to others for approval as well as trying to figure out what are
the right and wrong things for us to do.
Silvan
Tomkins’ (1963) work on Shame and Shame Theory conceptualizes shame from an
evolutionary perspective introducing into literature the nine biological
affects. According to Tomkins, we are
all wired with nine biological affects. We become aware of our nine affects
when we become aware of our facial, skeletal, and inner visceral
behaviors. Affect is primarily facial
behavior and secondarily bodily skeletal and inner visceral behavior. Shame is
one of our nine biological affects that we are pre-wired to express.
Kaufman (1989) speaks more clearly
about shame, speaking of it in terms most of us can identify, such as feeling
exposed, diminished, imperfect, and defective.
“Shame reveals the inner self, exposing it to
view. The self feels exposed both to itself and to anyone else present.”
(Kaufman 1989) So, perhaps you felt exposed. Perhaps, afraid someone was going to point
out to you that something was wrong with you, how you thought, believed or
acted. Perhaps that fear comes from a
history of self-doubt because your memory tells you that your parents were
always pointing out what you were saying or doing wrong. It is even possible that you keep remembering
a scene that was particularly embarrassing to you as a child. Because of the
negative impact of that one situation, that memory might continue to cause you
to feel a phenomenological sense of feeling seen in a painfully diminished
sense. Kaufman (1989) the experience of feeling diminished in front of someone
or even in your own headspace is that uncomfortable affect of shame. Donald
Nathanson (1992) tells us that when humans experience shame they respond to
that shame from one of four perspectives.
Nathanson calls those four perspectives the compass of shame. He tells
us that we attack others, attack ourselves, and avoid (addictions) or withdraw (depression). Thus, when we are in situations that trigger
old memories of defeat, failures, or rejections the current situation does not
need to be actual, only perceived as such, shame envelopes you crippling your
ability to respond in ways that might be healthier for you.
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