Discover the Wisdom of Compassion

Restore the Compassionate Mother Workshop

Discover the Compassionate Mother Within

Sophia is Divine Wisdom.  There are many references to her but her voice of wisdom was silenced by patriarchy in the early years of Christianity as the Divine feminine was swallowed up by male dominance and logic.  As a result the voice of wisdom is overpowered by the voice of rationale and disembodied logic. 

“You of the whirling wings, 
circling, encompassing energy of God: 
you quicken the world in your clasp.

One wing soars in heaven, 
one wing sweeps the earth,
and the third flies all around us.

Praise to Sophia!
Let all the earth praise her!”

-Hildegard of Bingen

            Hildegard (10989-1179) also known as Sybyl of the Rhine was a German writer, composter, philosopher and Christian Mystic at a time when women were not allowed to move forward in the careers or avocations. 

Introducing Wisdom, Sophia

Most of us have grown up in a very patriarchal society and have been confused about our roles whether we are men or women. Many men came from families where the mother seemed to be the wisest, smartest, and practical of the two parent family but because of some invisible rule that as a child you could not decipher things always went dad’s way. Often you suffered from lack of enough money for food or school clothes because dad would squander it away gambling or drinking. As women, sometimes our experience was watching our mother’s serve our fathers just because of some sort of invisible hierarchy. It was easy to fall into social hypnosis where children of the 50’s, 60’s and even in the 70’s where men were viewed as better than women. Of course, there is plenty going on in our world around us that still echoes a long overrated patriarchy.

Discovering the Compassionate Mother Within is about finding the ancient voice of inner wisdom that comes from a divine feminine energy of Sophia, the wisdom of God, which is portrayed as female. Often because there are too many mixed messages from our past about who we are and who we are supposed to be that is so hard to discover our own inner voice. By using meditation and reflection to sit with Sophia, the wisdom of God we are able to extrapolate into a sacred space within us where a whole host of positive empowering energy exists that has long been buried.

Discovering wisdom is the first step to letting go of old lies that no longer serve us.

For instance, why do you believe you are not good enough? How does that serve you to malinger in a lie that keeps you from enjoying the best part of your life, this day you have. You are tied to some invisible or maybe even visible loyalty that you heard from a sibling, parent, grandparent or teacher or something you created because no one gave you a beautiful perspective of you.

Imagine that Sophia hears you say, “I am just not good enough.” As a Compassionate Mother she might say any of the following things to you.

“Really, well child, I am clearly blind then. Cause you are clearly good enough for me. My wisdom would tell you to get off the couch and go take some water to a homeless person and experience what being good enough is.”

Or, she might say, “quit feeling sorry for yourself and get out of the house and go play.”

Or, maybe she will say, “tell me all about those times in your life that you have not felt good enough and I will listen with intent to every hurt that has made you feel that way. But when you are all done, I want you to go out and play. You can come back and share with me again and again whenever those old hurts box you around like a boxing bag. But one day, you will be able to box back with my nurturance and care.

Practical Lessons For Everyday Life from the Divine Feminine

The Mother of God and Demeter

Discovering the Compassionate Mother Within

(The first in a series of essays.)

What in the world does that mean?Think about it.

I started thinking about this concept of restoring the compassionate mother after reading Pinkola Estes latest book, Untie the Strong Womanand found myself falling further in love with the Mother of God, Mary.Mary is basically invisible in the protestant church and as an Episcopalian it seems to be she is ignored.We (Episcopalians) have ignored her strength and position in the hierarchy of the Church and I do not hear us turning to her as a resource for our spirituality.

However, from the first time that I walked the Labyrinth I found myself connecting to the Mother of God as I entered the center of the Labyrinth which is like a womb to me.I could picture myself being cradled there like a small child or held closely like an adult who needed a shoulder to cry upon.Or on more interesting occasions I can even see myself sitting across from Mary having a cup of tea or glass of wine, sharing woman talk about the things that interest or concern me.Thus the labyrinth is way to Mary that opens a whole new world of creativity.

The Mother of God is about relationship.When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 1999, I remember saying something to the effect of “I need to go to the top.I will skip pass Jesus and God and talk directly to the Mother of God.”I write about that experience in my book, In a Moment’s Notice: A Psychologist’s Journey with Breast Cancer and I dedicate a whole chapter to the wonder of the labyrinth as part of my journey. However, not all of you will relate to Mary as the Mother of God.Thus there are many other images of the Strong Woman.

One of the most recent images is in William P. Young’s book, The Shack.In this very powerful read Papa, represents God in the book.The paradox is that “Papa” is a big black woman who has a wild sense of humor and wonderful cooking skills.

In Greek mythologies there are several characters, but the most imposing is that of Demeter, the mother of Persephone.In this story we see a strong woman, a mother whom refused to be comforted until her daughter was returned from the underworld.Demeter, the goddess of food and grain became enraged with depression and refused to plant any seeds after Persephone was abducted by Hades in the underground.This deal was made behind Demeter’s back by Persephone’s father, Zeus.Finally, when it was clear to Zeus and everyone else that no one was going to eat until Persephone returned another deal was made and Persephone was set free from Hades for nine months out of the year.Those three months that Persephone must return to Hades, Demeter refuses to plant and there we have the story of winter.

In order for us to grow up as strong mature adults we need a strong woman in our lives and a strong woman is a compassionate woman.We must create her within us or if you prefer discover the Mother who was always there.

The Seven Last Words of Christ -Labyrinth Meditation for Good Friday

I wrote this meditation at the request of the Pastor for Foothills Christian, in honor of Good Friday.  For those of you who have a Labyrinth nearby you can copy this and take it to walk or you can use it for a reflective meditation and journaling prayer.

The Seven Last Words of Christ: Reflections for Good Friday as you walk the Labyrinth.  This worksheet or worship sheet is intended to be a guide to help you stay focused on the significance of Christ’s Death on the Cross.  How does it apply to you and your personal situation today March 29, 2013?

“Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Father as I walk this first circuit of the labyrinth I ask that you forgive me for……….  When I reacted the way I did I was impulsive and selfish and did not know what I was doing.   Forgive me.

“I assure you today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43

Father as I walk this second circuit of the Labyrinth I need your assurance, your love, your tenderness that I will be with you in Paradise, not only in the end, but today, Father.  May I learn to experience your Heaven on earth today?

“Dear Woman, Here is Your Son.”  John 19:26

(Place your name at the end of the sentence.
Imagine Jesus looking into His Mother’s eyes and telling her, Dear Woman here is your son, ____________or your daughter, ____________________.  What would it be like to establish a relationship with Mary the Mother of Jesus in such an intimate way?  Whatever comes up for you with this reflection remember it and write it down later.  Jesus would not have given John to his mother if it did not have a significance.

“My God, My God, Why have you abandoned me?”  Mark 15:34

(On this fourth circuit of the labyrinth) Hear Jesus cry out to God.  He feels abandoned.  If you were going to be as honest with God today as Jesus was on the cross, what would your anguish cry, My God, My God why have you_______________________________?


“I am Thirsty.” John 19:28

At this point on the Labyrinth you can see the Center again.  You are almost there but yet there ate still two more circuits.  What do you Thirst for?  What are your longings that do not feel Satisfied?


“It is finished!”  John 19:30

Jesus cries out, “It is finished.”  What do you need to finish?  What do you need to let go of that keeps you in anguish?  We create our own anguish by holding on to people, memories, events, past wounds, future calamities and in this display of it is finished, there is a surrender to the way things are.  What do you need to finish?



“Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands.”  Luke 23:46

Last Circuit, Almost there.  Don’t Rush.  Take your time.  You are about to inner the Womb of God, the Belly of the Most High, The Holy of Holies.  Breath.  Breath in. Breath out.  God WAITS for you there.  Entrust your spirit into his Hands.

As you let go into the Womb of God, the center of the labyrinth, allow yourself to stay there as long as you would like.  You can sit, kneel, stand, or even dance.   Allow your self to reflect again on what you have just heard in these last seven words of Jesus.   Notice what it is like inside of your body now.   How do you feel?  What do you need?  Imagine God with you there in the center.  When your thirst has been met, and you feel that you are ready to return walk through each of the seven circuits again reflectively.  Maybe on the way out you will want to read these words out loud.   Take some time at the end to prayerfully reflect on what this experience has been like for you.

You will probably find this experience more meaningful if you take some time to write about the experience, especially about being Mary’s Son or Daughter.

Seven Last Words of Christ -Labyrinth Meditation for Good Friday

I wrote this meditation at the request of the Pastor for Foothills Christian, in honor of Good Friday.  For those of you who have a Labyrinth nearby you can copy this and take it to walk or you can use it for a reflective meditation and journaling prayer.

The Seven Last Words of Christ: Reflections for Good Friday as you walk the Labyrinth.  This worksheet or worship sheet is intended to be a guide to help you stay focused on the significance of Christ’s Death on the Cross.  How does it apply to you and your personal situation today March 29, 2013?

“Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Father as I walk this first circuit of the labyrinth I ask that you forgive me for……….  When I reacted the way I did I was impulsive and selfish and did not know what I was doing.   Forgive me.

“I assure you today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43

Father as I walk this second circuit of the Labyrinth I need your assurance, your love, your tenderness that I will be with you in Paradise, not only in the end, but today, Father.  May I learn to experience your Heaven on earth today?

“Dear Woman, Here is Your Son.”  John 19:26

(Place your name at the end of the sentence.
Imagine Jesus looking into His Mother’s eyes and telling her, Dear Woman here is your son, ____________or your daughter, ____________________.  What would it be like to establish a relationship with Mary the Mother of Jesus in such an intimate way?  Whatever comes up for you with this reflection remember it and write it down later.  Jesus would not have given John to his mother if it did not have a significance.

“My God, My God, Why have you abandoned me?”  Mark 15:34

(On this fourth circuit of the labyrinth) Hear Jesus cry out to God.  He feels abandoned.  If you were going to be as honest with God today as Jesus was on the cross, what would your anguish cry, My God, My God why have you_______________________________?


“I am Thirsty.” John 19:28

At this point on the Labyrinth you can see the Center again.  You are almost there but yet there ate still two more circuits.  What do you Thirst for?  What are your longings that do not feel Satisfied?


“It is finished!”  John 19:30

Jesus cries out, “It is finished.”  What do you need to finish?  What do you need to let go of that keeps you in anguish?  We create our own anguish by holding on to people, memories, events, past wounds, future calamities and in this display of it is finished, there is a surrender to the way things are.  What do you need to finish?



“Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands.”  Luke 23:46

Last Circuit, Almost there.  Don’t Rush.  Take your time.  You are about to inner the Womb of God, the Belly of the Most High, The Holy of Holies.  Breath.  Breath in. Breath out.  God WAITS for you there.  Entrust your spirit into his Hands.

As you let go into the Womb of God, the center of the labyrinth, allow yourself to stay there as long as you would like.  You can sit, kneel, stand, or even dance.   Allow your self to reflect again on what you have just heard in these last seven words of Jesus.   Notice what it is like inside of your body now.   How do you feel?  What do you need?  Imagine God with you there in the center.  When your thirst has been met, and you feel that you are ready to return walk through each of the seven circuits again reflectively.  Maybe on the way out you will want to read these words out loud.   Take some time at the end to prayerfully reflect on what this experience has been like for you.
 
You will probably find this experience more meaningful if you take some time to write about the experience, especially about being Mary’s Son or Daughter.

Shame Series # 4 Feeling Your Feelings

 

Feeling your feelings and emotions is an important step in breaking free from the Troll of Shame. Is there a difference between feelings and emotions? 

            Often feelings or even the word feeling, is a very difficult word for people.  Almost any outward display of emotion is ridiculed, made fun of in the press, and punctuated as something negative. Client’s come into my office and pay really good money but spend all of their energy not to feel anything, especially sad or mad.  Once a client has spent enough time with me to understand the phenomena of shame beneath their feelings, then it seems to be especially hard to let feelings come forward.  Shame is a very uncomfortable feeling and often more intense than sadness or anger.  Shame carries intense biology often punctuating itself with physical sensations of nausea and angst.  

Donald Nathanson (1992) in his book Shame and Pride helpfully describes for us the vocabulary of Emotion.  There he describes affect, feeling, emotion, mood and disorder.  His descriptions help delineate the subtle differences in and between them.  Affect, which is the biology of emotion which I have addressed in early parts of this workbook, is the automatic physiological responses our bodies make when any of the nine identified affects have been triggered. Feeling is described as an awareness of the affect, emotion is the biographical history of the feeling, mood is the persistent state of the emotion, and disorder is when the persistent state of emotion interferes with daily functions of life, or the person’s “norm.”  

From my perspective, disorders are created by a sense of overwhelm from the scripts and beliefs that are not identified and ferreted out from other internal chaos that is going on.  The more we learn about the brain, the more we realize how much we don’t know.   It is the not knowing that leads us back to discussion of feeling. 

Because feelings are so difficult to experience and express perhaps you are “feeling-phobic.” Most people are perfectly content if all of their feelings stay in the closet.  When a feeling dares express itself or come out of the closet, the environmental reaction is often so harsh that the feeling runs back to the closet vowing never to be sad, mad, afraid, or expressive again.   Often young children are socialized to hold their feelings close to their chest with minimal or no outlet of their expression.  As a result, we have more child violence than ever reported before, and we have many adults that are completely incapable of establishing and maintaining relationships because they are too emotionally impaired to participate fully in the type of true vulnerability required in an adult relationship.  Many people find it difficult to be in an emotionally demanding relationship when their feelings are stuck in the darkness of the closet.  Let’s stop here and do a couple of feeling exercises to see if you can identify what is going on underneath the surface of your psyche right now. 

 

Feeling Awareness Exercise: 

Allow yourself to find a quiet place and a comfortable way of sitting.  As you sit, take a look around and really notice your environment.  Allow yourself to identify by naming the colors, objects, scents, and sounds in the room you have chosen. Then allow yourself to gently close your eyes and breathe in.  At first, just notice your body as you breathe in and then out.  Notice, where you are tight, the depth or shallowness of your breath and then allow yourself to inhale deeply and slowly.  Hold the breath for a moment and gently release it fully back into the room.  Allow yourself to develop your own rhythm to your breath.  Once you are aware of your rhythm and it feels comfortable to you, ask yourself the following questions. As you answer the following questions, remember this is an awareness exercise, so spend some time with each question or with the question that resonates most with you at this time.

 What am I feeling right now?  What am I paying attention to?  From there, allow yourself to turn back the pages of your daily life and ask  “What has been happening in my life and how am I feeling about it?”

Allow the faces of your family members, friends, and colleagues that are currently in your day-to-day life to come into your mind’s eye.  Just scan their faces as if you were looking at a photo album. While you are going from page to page, notice what you feel as each face appears. Who do you feel good about?  Who brings you joy and laughter?   Which face makes you recoil as if you have done something wrong or bad?  Which face stirs up angry feelings inside of you or sad feelings?   For example, suppose you come across the face of a co‑worker and you find yourself feeling a bit agitated and your breath naturally shortens.  What is the story with that co‑worker?  What has been going on inside of your head about him/her?  Allow yourself to flip back through the pages of that story rather quickly until you come to the beginning of the story, the time when you first noticed something going on inside of your body that you did not feel good about when you were around this colleague.  You may find that now it is hard for you to stay with that situation, you may find that it is difficult for you to focus on whatever uncomfortable feeling that is there. You may start becoming fidgety, and your mind may try to escape to your “to do” list.  Take a deep breath and see if you can allow yourself to stay with that “first story” for just a moment longer.  Refocus your attention to you.  Notice what happened inside of your body when that bad feeling started coming up.  Notice your facial expression.  What was going on?  Drop down into just one more level of consciousness and ask yourself what did I need right then? What do I wish I would have done differently?  What did I want to say but became too afraid, intimidated, or embarrassed to say? 

Exploring Shame Series #3

Beginning to Understand the Compass of Shame

Often as adults, you think that you should be all grown up now.  You might even believe that somehow you should know what to do, to say, and how to be in any situation you encounter.  In our culture, we are often led to believe that feelings are wrong or bad and need to be eliminated from our adult state of being.  If that were the case, you would act very robotic.  Maybe you can look at some of the ways we have acted in the past and wish you had been robotic, that you had not blown up, walked out, or cried in a situation that became uncomfortable or too distressful to you..  In reality, most of you have scenes like that that have embarrassed you and made you wish you had shriveled up and disappeared into the floor. 

This introduction leads to several questions and observations.  Think back over the past few months and recall a situation that you wish you could erase from your history, your memory, and the memory of others.  Now, that you have brought that memory to the foreground, what happens when I say to you, “Are you aware that most adults have situations like that in their lives?”  More often than not, you probably go toward a defensive state that says, “Maybe so, but Joey, Jerry, Jean, and Jessica did not ever do what I did.”  It is true that perhaps you have never observed those people doing those things, but just because you did not observe them does not mean that they did not happen. 

The example, just listed, is an example of comparison making, or comparison scripts. It is natural in your inner self to compare yourself to those around you. However, if that is your only reference point (others) then you need to discover your inner reference point.  Think for a moment.  What happened in that recalled memory just before you got angry?   Who said what? Who did what?  What did you do right before you exploded?  What did you do after you exploded? Now,  back up one more time and recall what you were feeling.  When someone said to you, “What makes you believe that is true?”  What did you feel?   Did you feel self-doubt?  Did you think, “Oh no, I am wrong.”  Did you want to run or hide or perhaps that statement inflamed you and you were ready for battle?  Regardless of your reactions, thoughts, feelings in any of the above situations, your reaction will fall somewhere on the compass of shame.
When we experience shame we do one of four things: Withdraw, Avoid, Attack Other, Attack Self.  We often are not aware of what we are doing, but withdrawal leads to depression while avoidance leads to addiction.  If we find that we have to blame someone else for how we are then we attack using judgement, anger, intimidation, or criticism.  If we attack our self that can be anything from self-abuse to constant self degrading chatter in our head.  What is it that you do? 

 

Part Two of Shame Series- FInding Your Voice



FINDING YOUR VOICE – FINDING YOUR SELF

A Beginning Journey of Overcoming the Darkness of Shame
Part Two

You may want to read Part I in the Archives to refresh your memory for what I said last week.  I began to introduce the key theorists on Shame Theory and also began to look at scenarios of how our positve situations are turned to shame in just a matter of seconds.  Enjoy this Blog.  Pass it on to your friends and they can sign up to follow too. 

 In addition to providing a theory for how shame impacts our lives, Nathanson offers strategies for dealing with shame.  Nathanson helps us understand shame by reducing to a simple definition, that shame is the interruption of positive affect.  The two positive affects, interest - excitement and joy-enthusiasm are powerful affective responses.  When a person is in the process of enjoyment or interest and something negative or bad happens to them, it interrupts those positive affects and shame sets in.  Over time, a person might even stop moving toward something they enjoy or are interested in because of the fear of failure and defeat. Thus, the negative possibilities immobilize them from moving toward something they enjoy.  This recurring issue can cause someone to give up their voice, their desire, or their ambition toward something they so desire. 

Now, let us look at the practical issues involving shame and how those issues affect us on a daily basis.

            It is common to believe that when we turn eighteen or twenty-one that we will somehow magically know how to be an adult.  We dream that we will know the right things to say and always do the right things just as we believed our parents were always right.  Even when we were fighting with our parents as adolescents, often there was that secret sense that we hoped they were right.   Because if they were not right then how could we ever really trust anyone?   They raised us and we were completely dependent upon their worldview. 

For instance, when was the last time you were out to coffee with a friend and the topic of discussion turned to politics, religion, or just an opinion about a TV show.  For instance, let us say you like Dancing with the Stars. 

And your friend says, “I don’t understand how anyone can get caught up in these reality TV shows, especially something as ditzy as Dancing with the Stars.

 You think to yourself. “Ouch, I thought that was an okay show to watch.  I must be stupid for wasting my time doing that.” 

However, in the conversation you say nothing, agree with your friend, or find a quick excuse to go to the restroom.  What would it have taken you to say, “I disagree with that?  I find Dancing with Stars very relaxing and by the end of the season, I can see how each dancer has progressed.  I really enjoy it.”

Somewhere along your life’s journey, you have lost your voice.  Now, you are at a deciding point, you either have to decide to stay inside of your cocoon and feel silently miserable about your secret opinions and enjoyments or to put your toes into the river of life and learn how to voice your opinion to others.  Your opinion is who you are.  You have a right to like the things you like and enjoy things that bring you relaxation, hope, and positive feelings.  You are uniquely you and that is okay.  Not only is it okay, but you need to celebrate who you are. Find one way today to celebrate yourself.

Voice is one of the most important aspects of who we are.  Voice allows others to get to know us and to engage us in their lives.  Without voice, we are invisible. 

  So, what do I mean by finding your voice?

I am inviting you along with myself to pull the magic into your daily life and stop being invisible.  I am asking you to look at the number of times each day that you defer to someone else because you assume they are smarter, know better, or have earned the right to override your needs and wants.  Often this behavior of not having a voice has been called co-dependency but I believe it is more than that.  I believe we take care of others in a situation because we are ashamed to take care of ourselves.  We are ashamed to be seen.  It is easier in the short run to be invisible.  However, in the long run none of us wants to be invisible forever.  Invisibility and voicelessness takes its toll on us.  We can become very angry and bitter about it by blaming others for the fact we did not stand up for ourselves.  It seems to me that the less we use our voice the larger our internal victim becomes and pretty soon it is everyone else’s fault that we are not getting what we  want out of life.  We become one of those people who always complain about what an awful lot in life we have.  Our comparison scripts are in the negative.  In the end, we have no one else to blame except ourselves for not standing up for ourselves.  Often in the beginning of our adult hood in may not even occur to us that we are not using our voice.  It may not occur to us until our kids are grown or we are in mid-life and we go, what happened to me?  It is never too late to change.  It is never too late to bring the magic to our lives.  Yes, it is usually always uncomfortable to stir up a potion of different, because we have spent most of our life being accommodating, nice, and easy going.  Now, all of a sudden we are saying things to our partners like, “No, I am not willing to go there.”  “No, I don’t want to put my money into that.”  “Oh, I need to take some time to myself.”  “I have a new friend.”  “I am going to look for a new job.”  “I am not happy.”  “I need a change.”  “I don’t like that anymore.”   “I want to take skydiving lessons.”  Anything you have chosen not to pursue, do, act on or say because of having to defend yourself and your position for choosing something out of the ordinary is an example of how you have not been using your voice and as a result, losing yourself piece by piece to the creeping in of age.  Soon the days left to live are less than the days lived and then depression can take over.  When depression takes over then you might find yourself saying, “Why bother, now?”  Depression becomes a comfortable blanket and soon the idea of magic is long gone from your memory.  Possibilities and potentials are drowned out by the daily lowering of the serotonin and one day turns into the next.  Where are you?  Where have you gone?