YOUR LIFE A-Z: FEELINGS

ALIVE!

FEELINGS

It takes microseconds to register FEELINGS within your body and those FEELINGS are responses to your personal biological Affects, empowered by your scripts (history and belief system).  The coaching process helps clients identify FEELINGS building an awareness of connection between the past and the present.  For instance, if you are walking down a grocery isle and you hear a mother shame her child by saying something like, “Don’t act so stupid,” at first you may just be annoyed at the bad parenting.  Being annoyed is a FEELING.  Depending on your own childhood history and personal experience with shaming messages, you may discover that in a few hours you are experiencing deep sadness or anger.  Sadness and anger are part of your nine-affect family.  At first you may not make the connection between your sadness and anger and the earlier grocery store scene.  However, if you will explore your affects you may come across personal childhood scenes where you were shamed publically several times.  Now, your system is beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together and your memory elicits other FEELINGS such as betrayal, hurt, and discouragement about your childhood.  FEELINGS are internal radar systems that help us live more in the present by being emotionally healthy.  When all of this activity lurks in the unconscious then often non-productive behaviors take over such as overeating, using substances, or checking out emotionally in front of the TV for hours.  FEELINGS are important to pay attention too whether they seem small like, “annoyed” or big like “betrayal.”  Make a pledge to stay connected to what you are FEELING.  I guess you could say FEELINGS are personal greetings not to be ignored.

YOUR LIFE A-Z: EMOTION

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF

EMOTION

·       Affect is the innate, biological response to the increasing, decreasing or persistent intensity of neural firing. This results in a particular feeling, facial and body display, and skin changes. Affects feel rewarding, punishing, or neutral in their own ways. Affect makes things urgent.

·       Awareness of an affect is a feeling.

·       A feeling plus memory of prior similar feelings is an emotion. (From www.Tomkins.org)

EMOTION is at the heart of your positive and negative existence and it springs from a complexity of biological wiring that makes us who we are.   If you are feeling flat about your current life situation then it is possible emotions have become scary to you and you are unconsciously working hard not to feel.  EMOTIONS are scary when we have been shamed for EMOTIONAL expression in the past.  Have you ever had the experience of an EMOTION and found yourself curious as to why you would feel that certain way?  That EMOTION is full of information about something in your memory bank that is currently not consciously available to you.  Healthy people have a wide range of EMOTION and are EMOTIONALLY available to his/herself and others.  EMOTION is the spice of life and without a wide range of EMOTION then life becomes dull and boring.  Invite your EMOTIONS to have expression in your daily life. Color your EMOTIONS. Write your EMOTIONS.  Journal an EMOTIONAL letter to yourself or someone you care deeply about. Explore your EMOTIONS and flex your EMOTIONS to change the daily landscape of your life.

YOUR LIFE A-Z: CHANGE

READY FOR CHANGE

CHANGE

Where in the world did you get the belief that change is hard?  The one thing that makes CHANGE hard is your underlying belief that CHANGE is hard.  CHANGE in and of itself is maybe inconvenient or uncomfortable.  If you decide to CHANGE clothes in the middle of the day, perhaps you make more work for yourself but do you feel more comfortable after you CHANGE your clothes?  It is probably good an idea to CHANGE into a swim suit before jumping into the pool; but is that CHANGE all that hard?  So what story have you been telling yourself about CHANGE?  What is it that you want to CHANGE?  First define exactly what you want to CHANGE.  Now, ask yourself what is it that you need in terms of resources to make that CHANGE.  How and when are you going to acquire those resources?  When are you going to start working toward your goal of CHANGE and when is the completion date for CHANGE?  I promise you there will be no successful CHANGE with out a deadline. Humans are designed to take the path of least resistance, so ask yourself what prevents you from reaching your goal of CHANGE?  What will you have to do to illuminate, reduce, or Bypass the obstacles in your way of CHANGE?  CHANGE is fun.  CHANGE your hairstyle and notice how that makes you feel different, even younger.  CHANGE is a way of breaking free from old ruts.  Try CHANGE this week in playful ways and notice the difference.  

YOUR LIFE A-Z: X-RAY

X-RAY

These words starting with “X” are hard for me.  The lazy part of me just wants to substitute fun “F” words here instead.  But writing 250 + words per  blog the “X” words give me a particular writing challenge.  How does X-RAY fit into the TWENTY-MINUTE COACH?  Well X-RAYS are both helpful and harmful.  Thus we only want to use X-RAYS in moderation because the photons in X-RAYS carryenough energy to ionize atoms and disrupt molecularbonds that damages cell tissue.  This damage creates opportunity for mutant cells to break off and become dangerous or cancerous to the rest of the body.  Thus, moderation is very important.  The helpful part of X-RAYS is that they allow us to see inside of our body structure detecting harmful growths, fractures, and other bizarre things that might be going on inside of us.  It is important for you to practice X-RAY vision and attention to your feelings.  Don’t keep stuffing them and pushing them underground otherwise they are very capable of creating real health problems that will need an X-RAY machine.  If you take the time on a regular basis to look inside of your heart and ask yourself what is it that you are really feeling about your life, your relationships, your journey, and your self then you will benefit from feeling more alive, less fearful, and more excited about all of the potential you have in your daily life.  So look inside on a regular basis and check out what is going on in your heart.

Exploring Shame Series #3

Beginning to Understand the Compass of Shame

Often as adults, you think that you should be all grown up now.  You might even believe that somehow you should know what to do, to say, and how to be in any situation you encounter.  In our culture, we are often led to believe that feelings are wrong or bad and need to be eliminated from our adult state of being.  If that were the case, you would act very robotic.  Maybe you can look at some of the ways we have acted in the past and wish you had been robotic, that you had not blown up, walked out, or cried in a situation that became uncomfortable or too distressful to you..  In reality, most of you have scenes like that that have embarrassed you and made you wish you had shriveled up and disappeared into the floor. 

This introduction leads to several questions and observations.  Think back over the past few months and recall a situation that you wish you could erase from your history, your memory, and the memory of others.  Now, that you have brought that memory to the foreground, what happens when I say to you, “Are you aware that most adults have situations like that in their lives?”  More often than not, you probably go toward a defensive state that says, “Maybe so, but Joey, Jerry, Jean, and Jessica did not ever do what I did.”  It is true that perhaps you have never observed those people doing those things, but just because you did not observe them does not mean that they did not happen. 

The example, just listed, is an example of comparison making, or comparison scripts. It is natural in your inner self to compare yourself to those around you. However, if that is your only reference point (others) then you need to discover your inner reference point.  Think for a moment.  What happened in that recalled memory just before you got angry?   Who said what? Who did what?  What did you do right before you exploded?  What did you do after you exploded? Now,  back up one more time and recall what you were feeling.  When someone said to you, “What makes you believe that is true?”  What did you feel?   Did you feel self-doubt?  Did you think, “Oh no, I am wrong.”  Did you want to run or hide or perhaps that statement inflamed you and you were ready for battle?  Regardless of your reactions, thoughts, feelings in any of the above situations, your reaction will fall somewhere on the compass of shame.
When we experience shame we do one of four things: Withdraw, Avoid, Attack Other, Attack Self.  We often are not aware of what we are doing, but withdrawal leads to depression while avoidance leads to addiction.  If we find that we have to blame someone else for how we are then we attack using judgement, anger, intimidation, or criticism.  If we attack our self that can be anything from self-abuse to constant self degrading chatter in our head.  What is it that you do?