YOUR LIFE A-Z:DEATH

MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT

DEATH

DEATH is the one thing that you can be certain about.  No one is getting off of this earth alive.  DEATH is the door that one day you must walk through.  Carlos Castaneda says in many of his writings that DEATH is your advisor.  That is true.  Learning to live with the certainty of your DEATH is a brave way to approach your daily life.  Allow DEATH to sit on your shoulder and advise you to live within the wisdom that it brings.  DEATH will ask you some tough questions such as:  Will this matter twenty-four hours from now?  Do you really need this?  How do you want to be remembered?  Were those words really necessary?  If today was your last day, how do you want to live it? Who do you need to forgive?  Who do you need forgiveness from?  DEATH is important and needs to be respected, not feared.  DEATH is a normal part of life.  We know we will all experience it.  How can DEATH be incorporated as important?  What is it about DEATH that you fear?  It is the fact that you are not certain about the afterlife?  Or is it that you fear the suffering you might have to go through to get to the other side?  What is the worse thing about Death?  What will be so bad if there is no other side?  Practice living as if you know you are dying and notice the changes you make in your life by allowing DEATH to be your advisor. 

YOUR LIFE A-Z: QUASI

HMMM. HOW MUCH CAN I DO? 

QUASI

QUASI is a word that means partially or to some extent.  QUASI may seem like an unusual word for the TWENTY-MINUTE COACH to endorse.  However, each of us needs a starting point.  Often one does not start a plan because of the fear of failure, fearing that the project is too big or overwhelming.  When fear is in the way often the start button never gets turned on.  Thus a QUASI plan of action is better than no plan of action.  If fear has you immobilized then try writing a QUASI or partial plan on each of the eight threads.  Beginning a QUASI plan will give you permission to get started on a plan that perhaps you have put off for a very long time.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Regardless of whether you have twenty-four hours to live or twenty-four years to begin a QUASI plan is the start button of action.  Action is the key to living a life.  Action does not have to be perfect or a promise of success.  A QUASI plan is an experiment giving permission to explore options.  Perhaps your QUASI plan will show you that this idea you have is not really what you wanted it after all.  Perhaps this QUASI experiment will give you permission to take some things off of your life’s to do list.  Yes, that is right.  Sometimes you have an idea, a bright idea, but you do not spend enough time investigating your true desire.  A QUASI plan can be your freedom card to let go of what is not serving you. 

Lessons From the Life of Pi

Lessons from the Life of Pi:

There are many lessons throughout this wonderfully complex movie …too many to write about in today’s newsletter.  Some of those lessons I will be blogging about at www.blogsot.com/drdilley.
However, if you have not watched the movie, please do so and focus (for the purpose of this article) on the part of the movie where Pi trains Richard Parker.  (Richard Parker is the tiger’s name.)
In this segment of the movie a lot of lessons have already been learned by Pi, especially a really important, but perhaps harsh lesson (sometimes in life we need a bit of harshness to get the point).  That lesson was:  tigers are tigers and they are carnivores.  They will eat you.
Pi’s father taught him that lesson when Pi was very young and he was getting ready to feed the tiger by hand.  For those of you who are parents, think about how quickly you react when your young child runs out into the middle of oncoming traffic.  A good parent does not say, “Now Jimmy or Susie, don’t do that.”  A good parent grabs the child from the middle of the intersection and proceeds to find a way to express how dangerous that action was and insist it never ever happen again.
Pi learned that lesson and it came in very handy when he was in the middle of the ocean for days, if not weeks, on the same boat as Richard Parker.  Pi was clearly intimidated and afraid and spends most of his time on a very poorly made raft, keeping a safe distance from Richard Parker.  Richard Parker on the other hand enjoyed the boat, with shade and lots of space.
This raises the therapeutic question,  “What are you doing on the raft when your fear is ruling you from the much more comfortable life boat?”
Finally, when Pi became more and more uncomfortable on the raft, he decided it was time to train Richard Parker.  The battle between human and beast - or you and your fear - begins.
In the beginning, the training did not go well and Richard Parker maintained control of the lifeboat.  But one day, Pi decided that perhaps it was a good idea to make Richard Parker seasick.  The next few scenes are a brilliant display of Pi rocking Richard Parker’s luxurious lifeboat while using the gentleness of the whistle to comfort Richard Parker.   The whistle created interest in Richard Parker and he began to pay attention to the whistle.  From that point on, Richard Parker and Pi created a safe dance between the two of them and they were able to co-exist with mutual respect and awareness; they needed each other.

Who is Richard Parker (fear) in your life?
How is Richard Parker taking over your life and your comfort zone?
How can you begin to train your fear to be under the trance of your whistle in order for you and your fear can co-exist?

Perhaps your fear will never go away or perhaps one day it will walk away in respect to your needs, as Richard Parker left Pi lying on the beach.  But none the less, for now your fear is like Richard Parker, an untamed tiger that needs to be trained in order for you to move forward in your life.  I invite you to write about you and your relationship to your fear pretending your fear is a wild beast that if given a chance will eat you alive.  See what comes up for you.

If you want to explore this metaphor more fully, you can email at drdilley@psycyhcotherapyunlimted.com to make an appointment to explore what this movie can do for you.

Labyrinth: Key to Inner Hunger-Outward Change

Are you hungry for change? Do you feel like something is missing in your life? Perhaps, you have become so busy that you do not notice the still small voice inside of you that is calling out to be heard. January 2012 is around the corner. Each year we are inundated with Holiday buying and chaos that takes us away from our center and each year we promise ourselves that we will do better next year. We make promises to ourselves and sometime to others that we will change, spend less, become thinner, get into shape and by November of 2012, it is possible that we will be feeling guilty for not achieving last year’s goals, and wonder what happened to our good intentions.


Walking meditation is a simple and easy way to keep us in contact with that still small voice within. By the time that we are forced to be mindful, placing one foot in front of the other, we have calmed the voice of fear, negativity, and aloneness. Those three voices are representative of the characters in the Wizard of Oz, the Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man.

From a psychological perspective, Dorothy’s three friends are projections of her inner critics that keep her blind to the truth that she can return home at any time by just clicking her red shoes. However, it takes a village of support to help her navigate her way through the dark forest, and down the yellow brick road. It is through this journey, becoming friends with her fear, critic, and broken heart that she harvests her one inner wisdom and gains the confidence to click the red shoes.

One paradox in this story (and there are many) is that we remain unsettled, upset and in search of something outside of ourselves until we go home. One metaphor of going home is finding our spiritual center and one key that will help us to do that is walking the Labyrinth.

The Labyrinth provides us with a way of finding ourselves and our power within. It is hard to define for you what you will experience by walking the Labyrinth, because each person’s experience is different than other pilgrims walking the Labyrinth. Each time I walk it, I have a different experience. Come on January 7, 2012 and start your year off with a walking meditation that can be first step in making 2012 an extraordinary vs. ordinary year.

The Cognitive Interweave of Shame

THE COGNITIVE PHASE OF SHAME:



Search of memory from previous similar experiences.


In shame theory, eight specific areas are interwoven into our stories, associations, and memories. Our bodies carry all of these interwoven stories inside of us producing tightness and tension. Every time I think about the body-mind connection, I am reminded of Peter Levine’s important work that he labels, “Somatic Experiencing. In SE, Dr. Levine empowers clients to focus on the internal experience of the body. By turning our awareness to our body, we learn to let go of those old story lines and create new ones. As you review the list below, allow yourself to ponder and write about an experience in each of the eight categories. As you recall the specific experience, journal the experience in as much detail as possible, and as the details return to your memory, notice what happens inside of your body. Notice what part of your body tightens or feels nauseated. Notice your breathing and your heart rate. Notice your fearful or shameful thoughts. Once those thoughts come to your awareness, use your gentle breath to allow the shameful and fearful thoughts float out of your body and into never – never land. Begin to observe what you need, and gently breath it in from never-never land allowing the peace, comfort, gentleness to begin to fill your body. Notice the difference now as compared to twenty minutes ago when you started with the shameful –fearful feelings. Just keep experimenting with your breath until your body feels different in a better sort of way.


Layered associations of shame:


1. Matters of size, shape, ability, skill. (I am weak, incompetent, stupid.)


2. Dependence/Independence. (Sense of helplessness.)


3. Competition. (I am a loser.)


4. Sense of self. (I am unique only to the extent that I am defective.)


5. Personal attractiveness. (I am ugly or deformed. The blush stains my features and makes me even more a target of contempt.)


6. Sexuality. (There is something wrong with me sexually.)


7. Issues of seeing and being seen. (The urge to escape from the eyes before which we have been exposed. The wish for a hole to open up and swallow me.)


8. Wishes and fears about closeness. (The sense of being shorn from all humanity. A feeling that one is unlovable. The wish to be left alone forever.)

The Compass of Shame

The Compass of Shame


The compass of shame was created by Donald Nathanson to help clinicians and clients understand what happens when shame is encountered. Dr. Nathanson defines shame as the interruption of positive affect. That simplistic view makes it easy for me to help clients understand that when they are going about the business of their daily life, enjoying the day, and anything that interrupts that enjoyment or interest, causes shame. I am putting the compass of shame on the blog today because almost every article I have written on shame refers to this compass in one way or another. As, a result I can keep referring people to the blog on June 23rd, 2011 and not have to recreate this simple formula for each article.

According to the Compass of Shame, what do we do when we experience shame? We react in one of four ways, usually a blend of the four reactions. They are:

ATTACK SELF--- ( SELF-DISGUST AND SELF-DISMELL AFFECT)
Demonstrated by:
Shyness

Deference

Masochistic Behaviors

AVOID----(EXCITEMENT-FEAR AFFECT)

The sense of a defective self - that often leads of addictive behavior

Compares and competes

Creates false self

WITHDRAWAL---(DISTRESS -FEAR AFFECT)

Atypical depression (self-hatred root)

Becomes overwhelmed by excessive worry or flooding of memories

Avoids eye contact and isolates socially

ATTACK OTHERS--- (ANGER-RAGE AFFECT)

Blocks any attempt to look at self

Estranges others

Refines the “power over” theme